The benefits of practicing gratitude to boost overall wellbeing are extensively documented. In fact, there is such a strong case for practicing gratitude everyday that it’s become almost taboo to question the details (thank yooou social media 🤔). After all, practicing gratitude has been proven by research to:

• Strengthen the immune system

• Lower blood pressure

• Increase motivation to exercise

• Improve sleep quality

• Induce joy and pleasure

• Reduce feelings of isolation

So why shouldn’t you live in a perpetual state of thanks-giving? It’s good for you! And it’s good for the people around you!!

I mean seriously, what’s wrong with you for not being grateful?!!

And that mindset ⬆️ is exactly the problem.

During the holiday season, this aggressively positive mindset can leave little room to express frustration with the emotional labor, physical exhaustion and conflict that naturally arises when gathering family around tradition. The expectation to express gratitude, regardless of your true feelings or circumstances, is overwhelming.

So what can you do? We talked it through and came up with a few ideas:

6 Tips for Recognizing and Cultivating Authentic Gratitude

Whether you keep a gratitude journal, sing your praises, or pray to high heavens, here are our tips for cultivating authentic appreciation:

1. Recognize Toxic Positivity in Disguise

Feeling pressured to put a positive spin on things? Don’t rush yourself. If you avoid uncomfortable emotions and force gratitude, you’re practicing toxic positivity - not authentic gratitude. Toxic positivity is the dogmatic belief in holding a positive, upbeat attitude at all times, regardless of the difficulty a situation presents.

Toxic positivity can manifest as avoidance of difficult emotions or conflict, inauthentic expressions of gratitude, or a self-righteous attitude used to shame or silence others who are struggling with difficult emotions. This mindset can inadvertently lead to denying or suppressing complex emotions, potentially causing more harm than healing. To get the most from your gratitude practice, it’s crucial to acknolwedge and validate difficult emotions.

2. Create Space in Conversations for Loss, Grief, and Uncertainty

When we’re in conversation with others who are struggling, it can be tempting to jump to solutions. Don’t - and definitely don’t suggest making a gratitude list as a solution if someone is confiding in you. This may sound obvious, but the truth is that most of us aren’t very good at holding space in conversations for others to express difficult emotions like loss, grief, and uncertainty. Our tip? Try listening instead.

2. Tune In to the Nuances of Gratitude

Gratitude is essentially an emotion. Like all emotions, though, gratitude isn’t static or one-dimensional. The sense of relief you feel when your partner cooks dinner differs from the deep appreciation you feel for an understanding colleague. Both are shades of gratitude - but they are different. Exploring the nuances of gratitude can help you find the right words for what you really feel when reflecting on these experiences. Some variations on gratitude include:

• Gratefulness

• Thankfulness

• Appreciation

• Recognition

• Acknowledgement

• Regard

3. Give Up On “Guiltitude” (and Get Comfortable Calling It Out)

What do you get when gratitude is motivated by guilt? We have a name for that: Let’s call it “guiltitude”. “Guiltitude” is what happens when you skip the uncomfortable feelings and fast-forward to ….”but I’m so grateful, really!” This is often easier to identify in conversation with others than when working through your own emotions. When gratitude is expressed to qualify a difficult situation, it’s a good sign that the person expressing gratitude feels guilty for burdening you with their struggle or even for focusing on the difficulty when other parts of their life may be going well. Let’s gently remind each other that it’s ok to not be ok 💕 To get the most from gratitude practice, find a time to reflect on what you appreciate when the guilt isn’t driving you to make false or exaggerated claims about what’s good in life.

4. Recognize the Limits of Giving Thanks

“You can't gratitude-list your way out of cancer,” says Lavi. Gratitude can improve your health, but it can’t heal serious wounds. Because, no; cultivating a regular gratitude practice does not cure serious medical conditions, resolve systemic injustice, or achieve world peace on its own. When we perpetuate a culture that values relentless grace and positivity above exploring real issues, we are reinforcing social dynamics that keep anyone with a disadvantage in life in their place. The societal pressure to be grateful at all times despite inequality underscores the need for a more nuanced approach to practicing gratitude that intersects with social change.

6. When Your Life Is Falling Apart, Don’t Force It

What about when your life is a complete mess and you’re desparately searching for a way to just get through the day? Well, we’ve been there too 🙌🏽 The truth is, this is when you need the benefits of gratitude practice the most. But it’s also the moment when expressing appreciation for anything triggers resistance, desperation - and even possibly anger. Any practice, whether that’s meditation, gratitude journaling, or exercise, only works if you do it. Instead of faking gratitude, though, try documenting what’s going on instead. Simply take 20 minutes and make a bulleted list of what happened in your day.

You may not find one single thing that gets your heart to blossom with thanks - and that’s ok. 

You may be surprised by the small things in your day that gave you a boost. You may find solace in recording your experience. Or, you may just need that moment to actually feel what’s going on in your life.

And that’s enough.